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[ sick. ] [12 Oct 2006|04:35pm]
[ mood | happy ]

we're still bottle feeding mischa... it's so cute.
so cute.
buddha has this habit of attacking mine and nino's feet whenever we're walking through the house, and she grooms nino's hair whenever she's sleeping.

there's too much estrogen in this house.
we're all working so hard sarah doesn't even have time to update her livejournal for her friends back home! lolz.

i twisted my ankle last week at work because i thought it would be a good idea to wear flip flops while it was raining... and so i couldn't dance last weekend, and i'm not sure if it's going to be any better by this weekend, but sarah filled in for me last week and since she can't do it this week (because of her dance classes at the studio) nino will prolly end up doing it.

i love that woman.

i love my women that live in the house! lolz.

so now, kristine and i are getting ready to go to bayer HELL and hopefully the marcos won't call again today.
for fuck's sake.

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[ we're so high and broken. ] [24 Sep 2006|04:48pm]
[ mood | okay ]

we got two kitties!!!

this is mischa (and sarah holding her... :)

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and this is buddha on our living room couch (futon, whatev...:)

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we love them and we know the boys will too!!!

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[ carry on. ] [24 Sep 2006|04:47pm]
[ mood | okay ]

i got the heads up that it was okay to keep going, until another red light.

4 comments|post comment

H I A T U S -- S O R R Y R E A D E R S ! ! ! [19 Sep 2006|05:35pm]
[ mood | okay ]


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[ here is something you can't understand. ] [11 Sep 2006|05:37pm]
[ mood | okay ]

another week, another great show coming up...

as you all know, sarah has now officially moved in with us and gotten a job at the dance studio downtown (but you would have already known that if you read the last entry.)

ninotchka and i (or gretta, for those of you who can't learn nicknames) are doing very well... there's no pressure there to go any further with this relationship than we already have, she goes back and forth from sleeping in my bedroom at the apartment to hanging out with me at the club, and she's actually signed up for one of sarah's tango classes. sarah isn't the dominant teacher in that one, some forty year old man is, sarah is merely his partner, but she really... what's the word?... ACCENTUATES him... he's pretty attractive, but not as much as she.


this weekend is "core week" at the club, dj johnson is putting together lists of hardcore songs that we can dance to... there's going to be a lot of rage against the machine and slipknot, but i'll let you guys know for sure what the playlist that me and kristine choose (and actually, sarah too, since she's a big music buff. :).)

the boys actually MAILED us a big chunk of their winning vma cake... it wasn't that bad, actually, for food that had been packaged in a freaking ICE BOX for three days... lolz. we had to let that bitch THAW, but it tasted fabulous.

there's a show coming up in november, and the boys want us to be merch whores. sarah made a good point yesterday in pointing out that we didn't get paid for the last gig that we did (actually, kristine and i only remember getting paid ONCE and that was for the show before last that we did-- before sarah got here...) so we brought it up to tomo when he called... he threw a FIT immediately and called us back at the apartment a few hours later. we're getting paid... :). hell YES.

speaking of tomo, he's getting chubbier... it's so cute.

that's all for now, kiddies.

edit: sarah... ken just called here at work, joy got sick (flu or some shit...) and he needs you to dance this weekend... all weekend... and maybe next weekend... can you do it?

5 comments|post comment

[ infra-red. ] [05 Sep 2006|01:31am]
[ mood | happy ]

it's been a little while since you all got one of these from me...
most of my posts have been friends only, and for good reason.

i've been rather confused lately, i find myself in a state of trance that i suppose only i can help... and nino...

nino and i haven't quite been together for a month... and things seem like they've always been perfect this way. it's strange but in a wonderous way... there's been some talk circulating around the apartment and around the club in the wee hours of the morning that nino and i should have a handfasting ceremony (if you don't know what one is... look it up...) and we've been considering it.

she's so perfect it hurts.

the boys called here again, kristine and jared seem to be talking, but i'm not going to jinx anything because it's horrible to do so. we weren't invited to the awards (well, we were, but not officially...) but because of everything going on with jared and kristine and press and him being just a downright douche, we didn't go... go figure.

sarah seems to be doing really well though, she loves her room and she keeps me and kristine full with her hot mexicano meals... she follows our diet though and we dance it off at the club every weekend.

speaking of which, two things have happened:

- i've lost another ten pounds, which is amazing.

- sarah got a job.

yes, that's right, sarah got a job... it's wonderful! we were a little worried that she'd have to join us at bayar HELLcare... but she actually did really well for herself. here's what happened:

so, she's hanging out with us after hours, and mr. owner is sitting around having a drink with us (FUCKING TWILIGHT ZONE SHIT, NO KIDDING!!!) and she simply asks him if he knows where any dance studios are (because she wants to take classes.) he tells her that his daughter dances at one and that their teacher recently quit. so the next day, she drives down to the studio and auditions for them, and would you know it? she's the new ballet teacher. she's heading a production in the next couple of months, but before then she has some solo shoes that he's gonna let us use the club for. it's amazing you guys, she knows the dance to "white houses" by vanessa carlton, and that's the first solo show that she does. and... surprise... she wants kristine and i to join her in a rendition of "the kill/a beautiful lie" mix by 30 seconds to mars... and... coincidentally... a miss that d.j. johnson put together.


i'll update more later, i have to go cuddle up under the covers with my ninotchka.

12 comments|post comment

[ and it's been a while, but all that shit seems to disappear when i'm with you... ] [22 Aug 2006|12:50am]
[ mood | happy ]

my sarah came back today!

so, of course, she came in really fucking early this morning (like three a.m.) and kristine and i had to drag our happy asses over to the airport and pick her up, and then we got to the apartment, and surprise! sarah had her very own room waiting for her. :). we turned the computer/game room into her room and moved the computers into the living room and the pool table into the dining room since we never use it. :). should have thought of that in the first place.

we set up all these ballerina pictures and bright colours filled with spiritual messages to help sarah cope with her painful loss... her room is prolly fucking cooler than mine! :).

then we had another surprise for her. she had to come to wvu with me and kristine for wvu's FALLFEST!!!

you can bring a guest to fallfest that doesn't go to the school, so basically i had marshall bring me, adam get kristine in, and joel bring sarah. it worked out perfectly. sarah and kristine and i all cried during the staind set, the wreakers were pretty good for michelle branch "selling out" and going to country... the roots were a little iffy because they were just... i dunno. and we didn't get to see redman but motion city soundtrack were actually pretty fucking great in concert.

so, we're lodging up in the mountaineer inn for the night and returning to salt lake city tomorrow!


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[ whitehouses. ] [15 Aug 2006|09:24pm]
[ mood | happy ]

sarah left last friday... her daddy died.
she didn't know him that well, but it's all her stepmother's fault... i wish i knew the right words to say to make everything all right, but she can't deal with things in indiana, so she's coming back here on monday. she's staying with us for about two months, she might move in, she's just not sure yet... everything will be okay-- i hope.

as for me and kristine, i finished my last week of training at work, and i have officially decorated my desk with pictures of me and kristine and the boys, me sitting on the drumkit... on the tour bus... banners and stuff... between me and kristine we have our own little 30stm merch tables in our own office.

but i feel bad for kris, you know? i mean, after everything that's happened with her and jared, she still loves him and i completely understand that. i just hope that everybody will be okay. maybe i'll do some yoga with kristine here in a little bit and with sarah when she comes back that will help us clear our auras and everything.

nino is making us milkshakes later on tonight... she's so beautiful, it's time i post a picture... :).

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i wish i had a better one, it's the only one i could sneak off her...

she's my life, my love, my marina. my sin, my soul, ninotchka.
the light of everything inside me.
and i think she just rang the doorbell.

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[ ohmymarina. ] [09 Aug 2006|11:51pm]
[ mood | happy ]

she's the beautiful equivalent to every ounce of aura that fills my soul. she's perfect in everyway. she has the most spectacular accent, and yet, she speaks all of russian&english&spanish&german purely and perfectly. there isn't a flaw about her that i do not see. she's the marina to my jenny, a love short lived only this one seems like it could last a lifetime.

i do not know where this relationship will go, or the path that we will pave together, but i do know that i am content in my happiness with her right now.

her name is gretta, after gretta garbo, and sarah has formed this habit of calling her "nino," or even sometimes stretching it as "ninotchka," which ends up making mine&gretta's insides erupt in laughter and love. fireworks.

but she found me. she's joy's step-sister (one of the other dancers) and she got my number from her and sarah snuck her into the house and surprised me.

and now we're completely meshed, laying in my bedroom floor on my feather mattress in our underwear, caressing each other's skin and smiling and laughing, knowing that physicality isn't rushed between us.


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[ that's a dinosaur. ] [09 Aug 2006|12:28pm]
[ mood | cranky ]

last night after kris and i got home from work, sarah had cooked us this big mexican meal! woohoo!

and then we sat down around the tele to watch last comic standing...

it was a sad night for all of us.

chris porter of last comic standing, the beauty that had my vote, got eliminated last night...


ty wasn't even THAT funny, and i seriously thought that the final competition was going to come down to chris and josh.

let's take a minute to remember the beauty that is chris porter, and the intense comedy of his jokes.

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ladies you can do whatever you want to with this planet... you wanna lower gas prices, that's up to you. you just gotta start having sex with guys who ride the bus. see, nobody rides the bus right now, right? right, why is that? because nobody will have sex with a bus rider, that's why. can't get laid ridin' the bus. you can't even get laid in a car that gets good gas mileage. no one's having sex with a guy in a cavalier. girls like suvs, hummers, escalades. if girls start having sex with guys who ride the bus, we'd all start ridin' the bus, if we're all ridin' the bus, we're all ridin' in one car, and if we're all ridin' in one car, we're usin' less gas. and by the rules of supply and demand, if we're usin' less, the price goes down. so ladies, next time you're at the pump payin' two dollars a gallon, remember: it's your fault. peace and love everybody, i'm chris porter.

what's up? i hate french people... not for anything they've done lately, i could care less about the politics that led up to... persian gulf II, the revenge... if you would go back seventy-five years, everytime france has had difficulty in a military conflict, who have they called to help them? united of world war II, vietnam, korea... not in chronological order, but if you didn't know the answer to the first question, i seriously doubt you know what chronological means. i went to france last year, and they hate us. well, if they don't like us, let's go take all the stuff that we protected back. let's go to france, be the repo man, take it over, call it "new texas." take the statue of liberty from where it stands, put it where the eiffel tower is with a sign underneath that says, "the bitch is back." then we'll take all the stupid people from our country and ship 'em over there. if you're on the highway-- peace and love... (his microphone got cut off because he went over the time limit, but you could still hear him say "peace and love...")

i used to smoke pot. crazy, right? pot's a lot safer than alcohol. you get in your car, you hit somebody, you kill 'em. you smoke to much weed... that's why you're not gettin' in your car. you know? that's production you don't wanna get involved in. because ya... gotta get up... then you gotta remember what the hell you got up for. what the hell were we just talkin' about? pot's the only drug i do... besides xanax and mushrooms. xanax is great if you've never had it. it's like a "reset" button. if you're havin' a bad day, take a xanax... next thing you know... IT'S TOMORROW! "what the hell happened yesterday?" "i don't know, apparently... i went to taco bell." i went to buy condoms today... because the other ones expired... about two years of bein' up i was very incorrect. there's so many different kinds of condoms now, it's ridiculous. there should only be two kinds: lubricated and non-lubricated. i don't even know who in the hell's buyin' a non-lubricated condom. it's like lockin' your brakes up on the freeway, you know? they got colours and scents now. what the hell are you smellin' a condom for, ladies? if we got a condom on, get your nose away from it. time is of the essence. my boy's suffocating. but ya'll start askin' questions ladies, "why's he all soft?" "well he ran outta air, miss talky! let's put a bag over your head and see how long you stay alert!" peace and love everybody, i'll see ya next time.

(in this set, he was roasting a fellow comedian-- gabriel iglesias... if you don't know what a comedy roast is, look it up.)

jim norton's a great guy, he actually lives in my neighbourhood. i know this because the judge made him come tell us. look, phyllis diller's here, and i couldn't be more excited... i've read all about you in the encyclopedia. if you don't know kristen key, you will. she's about to make a name for herself as the poor man's ellen degeneres. but back to paul rodriguez. we all know ya as the rock that chased indiana jones. but he does have his naysayer. some people think he's nothing but a fat, ugly, piece of shit. and while the truth may be on their side, they are not going to stop this man. he will survive... for at least another three years. he has the distinction of being the only comic visible from space. i think he's cute... but i'm into big tits. in all seriousness, gabriel... it's been a pleasure to meet you, you're a hero of mine, and it's a pleasure to call you my friend. thank you, buddy.

ya'll havin' a good time? we had a good night last night, we all went to the clubs. i saw some girl, she was wearing glitter all over her body. i didn't knwo what to think. i thought the bitch was frozen. "you should go outside, it's warm out there." apparently it's some kinda lotion that you put all over your body and it leaves glitter. that's gotta be a lotion for ladies... because fellas would look pretty squirrly with some glitter on 'em. plus, if my lotion had glitter in it... i'd have a disco ball in my shorts! chub in a flashlight and i'd be the life of the party. kids on ecstacy dancin' around it... i quit drinkin' last year... i'm back 'cause it's delicious. and i didn't quit drinkin' 'cause i had a problem with liquor, see... i quit drinkin' 'cause i wanted to quit smokin' cigarettes. for a long time i couldn't have a drink without smokin' a cigarette... that's hard. some of you know what i'm talkin' about. yeah. yeah, it's hard to drink and not smoke... if you don't know what it's like, it's like tryin' to poop and not pee, it's hard. i wish there was a cleaner way to explain that, but there's not, is there? that's the only proper comparison. 'cause you can smoke and not drink, just like you can pee and not poop. can drink and not smoke, can't poop and not pee... i don't know why. it's like sneezin' with your eyes open. there's some shit you can't do. don't ask me, ask jesus... or whoever your god may be. 'cause there's different ones. maybe not in the south, but... out here. i was raised catholic, and if you've never been to a catholic mass... i'll break it down for ya. it's an hour long... first half an hour just like everybody else's church... where they talk to ya and they sing to ya. "touchin' yourself... jesus doesn't love ya when you're touchin' yourself..." i'm paraphrasin', but that was the jist of it. and the second half an hour it's just... they have... food and sacred wine and... you know, it's really cool the first time, but after a while, you're kinda goin'... "hey, padre... what else can ya make? is there a lasagna or somethin'?" i quit goin' to church because one week, i showed up and no one would drink the wine because the flu was goin' around. where's the faith? it's the sacred wine, if i had the flu, i'd be bogartin' it... i'd be like, "screw you, bitches, i got the flu, gluck gluck gluck gluck!" it's the sacred wine, it's gonna cure the sniffles. i respect all religions, 'cause it doesn't matter what religion you are... we're all wrong. it's just about believing. that's why religion is there, you know? you gotta believe it. if you're gonna go to a building every sunday, you should believe what these people are tellin' ya. otherwise... you're just... missin' kickoff. the people that i respect the most are the religion down in texas where they dance around with rattlesnakes on top of their heads. those people are crazy. but they believe... ya got to... you got a RATTLESNAKE on your head! dancin' around with it, askin' it questions... "dear lord jesus, should i buy a honda? *fftth fftth fftth* no... no i shouldn't, no... oh, jeez... oh... zeke... zeke... go tell everybody jesus said, 'buy american.'" you guys have been a lot of fun, peace and love, see ya next time."

(and this was the set that determined whether or not he would make it into the finals.)

i was watchin' t.v. today... do ya know they got a birth control patch now? it's for girls. yeah, you couldn't have 'em for dudes... we'd be... wearin' 'em on our faces. "look baby, five of 'em! back up..." i saw the commercial for the girls, i was excited. i was like, "sweet! they're taggin' 'em now!" oh, thank goodness. now we know. that's the greatest invention ever, isn't it? the birth control patch? could you imagine fellas? you walk into a bar, you meet a girl, she comes back to your place, you're gettin' hot and heavy, you pull off her pants and she's got a birth control patch...? that's like gettin' batteries with your christmas toy! you can play with her right out of the box. but you should probably go ahead and use a condom though... you don't wanna get halfway through it and look down and notice that the patch says, "nicoderm." "you're a liar." i went to cosco today. yeah, if you don't know what cosco is, it's like sam's club but different... 'cause it's... cosco. cosco sells caskets. that's messed up. who's buyin' a casket at cosco, you know? what the hell did grandpa do to you? everyone shops at cosco, they're gonna know, they're gonna know. they're gonna know that you cheaped out and bought grandpa a "cosket." and it's cosco, you gotta buy 'em in a two pack... that's where they get ya. what are you gonna do with a second "cosket..." talk to kids with it? "clean your room you sunnuvabitch or it's back in the box with ya. don't mess with me or i'll close the lid on ya, i swear to god. i am NOT in the mood." the cosco i went to sold their caskets in the aisle directly across from the alcohol and tobacco products. what kind of messed up message is that?! be like, "hey, welcome to cosco. have a good time. if things happen badly... come on back, we've got ya covered, seriously. we got baby seats in the condom aisle. we're cosco... we're your worst case scenario one stop shop!" so i live in l.a. now... and uh, yeah, it's all right... yeah, we're here... you might as well clap. uh... traffic's bad here and a lot of people get pissed about it and like, it's a part of life, deal with it. people get mad in traffic. people still honk their horns in traffic. like that's the problem. like there's a thousand people on the highway goin', "oh, sorry, sorry! my bad... i was screwin' with my ipod." but you know what i noticed? it's always the crappy horns that you hear on the highway... everyone knows what a crappy horn sounds like. you'll be sittin' in your car, you'll hear "meep meep, i'm a festiva, there it is." what sound does a rolls royce horn make?.............. I DON'T KNOW EITHER! but that's the point! people that are honkin' their horn in traffic are people that have run out of options. they're like, "i got a crappy car, a crappy job, a crappy life, meep meep poop makers... meep meep." peace and love everybody, i'll see ya next time.

isn't he fucking hilarious? go to http://www.youtube.com to see chris porter's videos, and he has a myspace, too. it can be found here..

chris, you had our vote, peace and love always...

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[ i don't think they'll ever find me. ] [08 Aug 2006|10:49am]
[ mood | studious ]

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The softness and fragility of baby animals caused us the same intense pain. She wanted to be a nurse in some famished Asiatic country; I wanted to be a famous spy.

All at once we were madly, clumsily, shamelessly, agonizingly in love with each other; hopelessly. I should add, because the frenzy of mutual possession might have been assuaged only by our actually imbibing and assimilating every particle of each other's soul and flesh; but there we were, unable even to mate as slum children would have so easily found an opportunity to do. After one wild attempt we made to meet at night in her garden (of which more later), the only privacy we were allowed was to be out of earshot but not out of sight on the populoud part of the plage. There, on the soft sand, a few feet away from out elders, we would sprawl all morning, in a petrified paroxysm of desire, and take advantage of every blessed quirk in space and time to touch each other: her hand, half-hidden in the sand, would creep towar me, its slender brown fingers sleepwalking nearer and nearer; then, her opalescent knee would start on a long cautious journey; sometimes a chance rampart built by younger children granted us sufficient concealment to graze each other's salty lips; these incomplete contacts drove our healthy and inexperienced young bodies to such a state of exasperation that not even the cold blue water, under which we still clawed at each other, could bring relief.

the foundation of my love for you has lost itself in my amnesic state of mind and drowning, droning, dripping from my right ear to the pavement. you always said that it would be us against the universe, but it all came crashing down with lies&torture, just like it always does, the two things that you're best at doing. the symphonic lifting of spirits has never failed to cross my mind on a once-daily basis, stemming from the nights of torment&heartache that you so deliberately put me through. was it all a test? did you need to feel what it would be like for a girl-child to love you so bad that you had to manipulate every aspect of my damaged little mind? love for me from you was distributed vicariously through text messages&cigarettesmoke°rading comments when you were "only kidding." i cannotcannotcannot get you outside of my head because i constantly think about the last time i saw you. it was one lie after another and i knew you were lying, but i always took you with a grain of salt. did you even care? did you want to know me at all? or did you have to have that one minute of pure bliss that happened the first day i kissed you, sitting on your lap, and a force overtook my soul and wanted you just then. and we waited, we sat&waited and wondered what it would be like if i were you and you were me&maybe, just maybe if we'd get married someday. i can't spend any more time talking about it, because all you seem to do anymore is make me sicksicksick.

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[ if i didn't know any better, i'd say i have a hangover... ] [08 Aug 2006|12:03am]
[ mood | happy ]

oh... my... god...

in honour of 80s night, sarah, kristine&i decided to go to the mall and buy some new clothes... aside from the possibilities at home that we already had.

i got them.
i got that fucking white pair of stiletto go-go boots.
i lost ten pounds last week and a half to get them, too... (just so it wouldn't hurt as much whenever i walked in them.)

sarah tried them on, too... i almost shit myself. she's drop dead fucking gorgeous in white.

kristine looked amazing, as always, she was wearing a pair of fishnet thigh high stockings, white ballet slippers, neon pink and green tights, a torn up pair of denim shorts, a black off the shoulder sweatshirt, and a bunch of funky necklaces and ringpops. :).

sarah looked stunning (but who could expect any less?) as she swayed her way out of my bedroom she was wearing a pair of jelly shoes, black capri leggings, a pink fishnet undershirt and a bright robin's egg blue top over it.

i, on the other hand, decided to do the whole madonna thing...

i was wearing a pair of very sleek, very tiny fishnet stockings (this house has a thing for fishnet, as you can tell...) my white stiletto thigh high boots, a very short black leather mini skirt (well, actually, pleather... i respect the animals...) a peach/pink corset with black lining, and... oh, god, i can't believe i actually wore... a cone bra. lolz. that's right, i borrowed one from one of the madonna fan drag queens out here in these parts, and it has got to be the funniest fucking thing i've ever done. i danced three songs with it on and then took it off... it was constricting my movements.

just for shits and giggles, here's sarah (on the far right) with farmer ted (middle) and kiki ghost (far left)!

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kristine and i kept dodging the camera, and every picture that did get taken of us were snapped either dancing or COMPLETELY DRUNK!!!

so... after about an hour, tyler thought he'd be a smartass and play "breakdown" by tom petty&the heartbreakers. okay... here are the rules accompanying that song:

number one: you can not, not, NOT under any circumstances wear a cone bra while listening to or dancing to it.

number two: if the opportunity arises, always have a gorgeous woman dancing with you to it.

and number three: you can never, ever, EVER dance to it and NOT shake your ass/hips.

and yeah... needless to say, i followed all three of these rules... sarah's drunk, right, and tyler is a fucker and puts this song on (it's got some sort of weird trance intro to it though, which totally goes against the rules of 80s night...) and at this point sarah's so far gone that she starts reaching for the cage and i signal for ren to let her get in. so, he takes this ladder and literally has to drag her up it to put her in the cage with me.

and she gets in.

with each passing second it feels like her drunkiness has worn off (why is it that drunk people can only dance WHEN they're fucking drunk?!) and she starts swaying to the music with me.

and the next thing i know, money is being thrown into the cage and i realize that i'm shaking my ass and hips. and i look down and notice every fucking body is staring up at us (and kristine in the next cage who is also swaying her hips to the music...) but they're mostly staring at how sarah's arms are gliding across her own hips.

she's like this whole other person and she has this aura about her... if she were gay i'd ask her to be my girlfriend.

in that moment, we were infinite.

i spent the next three minutes in a daze watching that glow around her, until i realized that my face was just inches away from kissing her... and then i stopped myself. i wasn't about to take advantage of something like this.

the music stopped and ren helped her down from the cage&ladder because she was coughing so hard he thought she might hurl.

and she did. i looked down as tyler put another song on, and saw this brunette beauty staring at me from the bar, raising a martini in approval. she was tall, dark, and just... sigh worthy.

and as if it weren't bad enough that i almost kissed a really good friend of mine (a straight friend, at that,) when we finally finished up for the evening, i was walking back to costumes&dress with kristine and sarah and the other kiddos when that tall, dark, and sigh worthy beauty was just inches from my ear and whispered something in russian that totally enamored me.

it was later when i realized that she had said, "you're so sexy when you dance."

i want to know that girls name.

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[ let's get plastered. ] [06 Aug 2006|12:15am]
[ mood | happy ]

sarah's here!!! yay, finally!
she didn't quite get the celebrity entrance that i got when i got here and off the plane (jared leto&kristine...) but she did get me&kristine which is even better.

she brought her laptop, set it up with the wireless internet that kristine and i have in the apartment (plus other people's upstairs...)

and now, we're getting ready to go out to the club so kristine and i can dance, and then tomorrow is 80s night and we're gonna be three hott bitches!!!


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[ aluminum foil. ] [05 Aug 2006|10:34am]
[ mood | okay ]

i got this entry from my angel.

oh, how things change.

i feel totally disenchanted. whatever is wrong with me, i have to learn to live without it. this strange,creeping sickness comes so quickly and without any type of warning, besides the reminder that reality seems so much less than a shangrila.

i miss the few people in my life that were so totally entrhralling that i lost myself completely inside of them; that sick, sick disillusionment that had me almost dead in the hospital more than once. my fucking huge veins, thin skin and bulging eyes. i miss being that small,being that secure. i hate the straight path, having to be on my best behavior. i feel like i am imploding.

when they were at my home and talking to me through the window, they screamed i had the best taste in the world and i they said that they loved me, and i knew they meant it, even if it was faux affection. i hate being ignored. i was happy. SO happy.

i feel unloved, i really do. i feel totally digusting, and as it was once put: Beautifully Repulsive.

whatthefuckever i feel fine and i can really convince myself of that. i'm stepping away from sanity and i move one neurosis to the next very quickly. in a few months, i'll be fine again, completely secure. happy. it always happens like this, in that huge disgusting cycle that i can't really break free from, i'm so happy to be in that reliable sadness.

beautifully repulsive? i can agree.

i feel like sylvia plath, anne sexton, virginia woolf; the whole strongdeadinspiredfemale persona that is really thrown on any woman that has the amount of intelligence to appreciate being a woman is a total struggle from political&hormonal injustices. fuck biology. fuck PC. if i were to get pregnant, i would have an abortion faster than you could say, "roe vs. wade".

i think i'm in denial from a lot of things, and who cares about my past? i don't, but i realize how much the effect of what i've done is now mirrored to me by the reflections of peoples memories. no one realizes that i do have the emotional depth to change; to be nicer, kinder, cleaner.

i'm not grown up enough to laugh at the stupid things. i've lived out all of my fucking fantasies, i just wish i hadn't got in so much trouble during it all.


i want a new dress, a new necklace, new shoes.
i want want want want.
i wish i was a girl who didn't want anything.

i can forgive. i really can. but i can't trust men, after what happened so many years ago, i can not trust anyone. people confuse lust with affection. i don't know what to do. oh well.

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[ the ballad. ] [04 Aug 2006|11:30pm]
[ mood | okay ]

1. How much time do you spend on the Internet daily? usually a few hours, kristine and i get online at work everday, but click to the main screen when a supervisor is around.
2. What are your favorite 3 websites? livejournal, myspace, and myway.
3. Do you eat at your computer? sometimes, yeah... i drink mostly, caffeine or water.
4. Pick one and why - Reading the news online or in a newspaper? online, there's more of a variety.
5. How many people are on your instant messenger buddy list? ummm... a lot on trillian, about only thirteen or so people that are on my yahoo only ever get on.

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[ eight six seven five three oh nine. ] [03 Aug 2006|11:36pm]
[ mood | happy ]

starting song line up for sunday (this plus whatever dj johnson can think of) for sunday:

1. you spin me round (like a record) - dead or alive.
2. der kommissar - after the fire.
3. rapper's delight - sugarhill gang.

then we break into a block "party."

4. white wedding - billy idol.
5. rebel yell - billy idol.
6. mony mony - billy idol.
7. l.a. woman - billy idol.

and then back to normal.

8. china girl - david bowie.
9. blue monday - new order.
10. video killed the radio star - the buggles.

another rock block.

11. material girl - madonna.
12. like a virgin - madonna.
13. dress you up (in my love) - madonna.
14. like a prayer - madonna.


15. sweet dreams - the eurythmics
16. whip it - devo
17. i love rock n' roll - joan jett&the black hearts.
18. pat benetar - hit me with your best shot.

&that's all we really have right now... so, tyler's (that's dj johnson's first name) gonna think of the rest.

good... sleep!

4 comments|post comment

[ all that. ] [03 Aug 2006|08:53am]
[ mood | okay ]

taken from my sarah, who will be here in a few days!!!Collapse )

another one.Collapse )

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[ there you'll be. ] [31 Jul 2006|11:17am]
[ mood | weird ]

look, some of my entries are still gonna be friends only because there are private thoughts and shit that i only wanna share with my friends, so if you're not on my friend's list then you won't get to see them, so just keep that in mind.


the three before this one and the previous have been friends only, so if you don't see the little lock thing, then you're not on my friends list.

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[ no love, no glory, no hero in her sky. ] [30 Jul 2006|05:46pm]
[ mood | okay ]

haven't been online in a couple of days... well, maybe just long enough to log on and off, check my email, but that's been about it.
me and kristine have been really busy, today we went to the flea market and got some videos and some bath stuff from this avon lady... really cool stuff... reminds me of the flea market back at pipestem when i was home, only this one is in a field and not on a gravel drive-in movie parking lot. lolz.

we ended up getting primal fear and the hand that rocks the cradle. both really good movies, and we just finished watching them. kristine is taking a bubble bath right now, so i figured i'd hop on and let you guys know how everything's been in my neck of the woods.

i talked to mum today, she and the girls are doing fine, they've kinda not forgiven me for moving out here and so far away, but she did start talking about grandchildren and told me that i should adopt an indonesian baby (since i'm gay and won't be able to pick my partner... basically.)

so, yeah, i think i'll look for international orphanages and then about the time kristine and i move to canada with dino and i graduate college and get financially stable, my world should be ready for a pretty tan face around the house. :).


okay, can't adopt an indonesian baby... here's why:

Prospective adopters must satisfy the criteria set out by the Indonesian Government for the adoption of Indonesian children by foreigners. There have been a number of instances in which Americans have been poorly advised (by legal practitioners) and have entered into fostering/adoption arrangements which, even though endorsed by local courts, do not meet the requirements of Indonesian adoption law. Adoptions which do not meet these requirements will not meet the requirements for the grant of permanent residence visas.

Note: Americans intending to adopt a child in Indonesia should not attempt to circumvent the proper processes.

Indonesian Government Criteria for Prospective Adopters Prospective adoptive parents will need to meet the following requirements:

* Couples must be between 30 - 45 years of age
* Married for a minimum of 5 years
* Resident in Indonesia for at least 2 years with a permit issued by the local authorities (Rukun Tetangga, Rukun Warga, Kelurahan, Kecamatan), and a letter from the Embassy in Jakarta (a statement of Domicile)
* Couples can be either childless, have one of their own children or have previously adopted an Indonesian child
* Believe in God
* Both parents must appear at the Court hearing
* The adoptive child must be less than 5 years old
* The adoptive child must be in the care of a registered and authorized social welfare organization

Recent legislation also stipulates that an adoptive child must be of the same religion as the adoptive parents. Where the religion of the child's natural parents is not known, the child will be deemed to be Muslim.

so, okay, that leaves these two websites to consider:



i'm thinking the second one, it has more options... perhaps a nice russian kid? lolz. those were my megness' exact words. i'm talking to her tonight... wish i were there in princeton with her and baby adam.

17 comments|post comment

[ i would walk five-hundred miles... ] [28 Jul 2006|08:09pm]
[ mood | okay ]

from miss mary ann.

Do you watch the Gilmore Girls?
i used to, and now i just don't have cable... until i get back to college.

Have you ever seen or enjoyed watching the O.C.?
no and hell no.

Do you have one or more Britney Spears C.D.s?
yes. i have the first, second, third, and fifth... i used to have the fourth, and then it got lost.

Which radio stations are your favorites?
we have sirius satellite radio, and they are: area33 (techno), octane20 (rock), altnatn21 (alt rock), thepulse09 (80s, 90s, and today... lolz.), and 80shits08 (duh... 80s hits...)

Are you a Lost fanatic?
no, and i don't see why anybody would be.

[[Be honest]]

Do you have a song by Ozzy Osbourne in your library?

not yet.

Alannis Morsette?
of course.

Do you watch Family Guy regularly?
hell yeah.

King of the Hill?
i used to watch it, i will if there's nothing else on.

[[Admit it]]

Do you read trashy romance novels often?

Do you really work out every day?
i did when i lived in morgantown... now me and the roomie do pilates and yoga daily together... at like five in the morning. :).

have you ever eaten an entire pint of ice cream by yourself?
yeah, once or twice.

Have you ever eaten nothing but junk food for a week straight?
i think so... maybe a weekend, i don't think i've ever gone a week.

Do you shower every single day?
of course.

Do you ever forget to give a Christmas/birthday present?
yeah... oops.

Do you sing obnoxiously in the car ?
no, when i sing, i sing.

Do you sing obnoxiously in the shower when no one's home?
i hum.

Have you ever watched a little kid's show when you were over 12?
i watch blue's clues all the time because it's the cutest show ever.

Have you ever looked forward to going to school?
i'm looking forward to it right now, i can't wait to get there again.

[[The Necessary Love Questions That Aren't So Necessary]]

Have you ever pretended your crush was with you when they werent?

Did you draw pictures for your first crush back in elementary school?
i can't remember back that far.

Have you ever liked a girl/boy but didnt ask her/him out because you were afraid?
duhhh... hasn't that happened to everybody?

Have you ever written a poem or story about your life?
i'm currently writing a story.

Have you ever spent over an hour thinking about nothing but your crush?
i think so.

Have you ever liked someone solely for their appearance?
we all do at one time or another.

[[The Questions You Love: Completely and Utterly Pointless Ones]]

Do you eat all the servings in the food groups on a daily basis?
no... mostly meat and veggies.

Are you ever a freak about cleanliness or organization?
god yes, i can't stand when shit's messed up.

Have you ever been to South America or Africa?

Do you know how to knit?

Do you have a cell phone or iPod with a patterned cover?
i don't have a cell phone, it's kinda pleasant not to have one... but my roommate does, and my ipod has a patterned cover (it's a decal with an anime girl on it that was a present from dino before i left for salt lake city.)

Have you ever written love song lyrics yourself and put them in your profile?
no... maybe a livejournal post.

Do you keep a diary or journal online?
where else would i put this?

When you open your closet, what is the dominant color of your closet?
pink and black.

[[Truly Unusual This or That Questions]]

Baskin Robbins or Coldstone?

America or Canada?

Physics or chemistry?

Earphones or headphones?

pink or teal?

Earrings or a ring?
rings. big, gawky rings that look hippy-ish.

Commitment or casual dating?

Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings?
harry potter, yo!

Fly or road trip?
road trips are the best.

Starbucks or Caribou?
starbucks... hate me for saying it, but whatever.

[[Another Wave of Random Questions]]

What is your favorite Disney movie?

How much jewelry do you own?
a little bit. i wanna own more rings...

Have you ever bought clothing at sears?
a LONG time ago.

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