oh, how things change.
i feel totally disenchanted. whatever is wrong with me, i have to learn to live without it. this strange,creeping sickness comes so quickly and without any type of warning, besides the reminder that reality seems so much less than a shangrila.
i miss the few people in my life that were so totally entrhralling that i lost myself completely inside of them; that sick, sick disillusionment that had me almost dead in the hospital more than once. my fucking huge veins, thin skin and bulging eyes. i miss being that small,being that secure. i hate the straight path, having to be on my best behavior. i feel like i am imploding.
when they were at my home and talking to me through the window, they screamed i had the best taste in the world and i they said that they loved me, and i knew they meant it, even if it was faux affection. i hate being ignored. i was happy. SO happy.
i feel unloved, i really do. i feel totally digusting, and as it was once put: Beautifully Repulsive.
whatthefuckever i feel fine and i can really convince myself of that. i'm stepping away from sanity and i move one neurosis to the next very quickly. in a few months, i'll be fine again, completely secure. happy. it always happens like this, in that huge disgusting cycle that i can't really break free from, i'm so happy to be in that reliable sadness.
beautifully repulsive? i can agree.
i feel like sylvia plath, anne sexton, virginia woolf; the whole strongdeadinspiredfemale persona that is really thrown on any woman that has the amount of intelligence to appreciate being a woman is a total struggle from political&hormonal injustices. fuck biology. fuck PC. if i were to get pregnant, i would have an abortion faster than you could say, "roe vs. wade".
i think i'm in denial from a lot of things, and who cares about my past? i don't, but i realize how much the effect of what i've done is now mirrored to me by the reflections of peoples memories. no one realizes that i do have the emotional depth to change; to be nicer, kinder, cleaner.
i'm not grown up enough to laugh at the stupid things. i've lived out all of my fucking fantasies, i just wish i hadn't got in so much trouble during it all.
i want a new dress, a new necklace, new shoes.
i want want want want.
i wish i was a girl who didn't want anything.
i can forgive. i really can. but i can't trust men, after what happened so many years ago, i can not trust anyone. people confuse lust with affection. i don't know what to do. oh well.