me. (dying_pine) wrote,

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[ i don't think they'll ever find me. ]

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The softness and fragility of baby animals caused us the same intense pain. She wanted to be a nurse in some famished Asiatic country; I wanted to be a famous spy.

All at once we were madly, clumsily, shamelessly, agonizingly in love with each other; hopelessly. I should add, because the frenzy of mutual possession might have been assuaged only by our actually imbibing and assimilating every particle of each other's soul and flesh; but there we were, unable even to mate as slum children would have so easily found an opportunity to do. After one wild attempt we made to meet at night in her garden (of which more later), the only privacy we were allowed was to be out of earshot but not out of sight on the populoud part of the plage. There, on the soft sand, a few feet away from out elders, we would sprawl all morning, in a petrified paroxysm of desire, and take advantage of every blessed quirk in space and time to touch each other: her hand, half-hidden in the sand, would creep towar me, its slender brown fingers sleepwalking nearer and nearer; then, her opalescent knee would start on a long cautious journey; sometimes a chance rampart built by younger children granted us sufficient concealment to graze each other's salty lips; these incomplete contacts drove our healthy and inexperienced young bodies to such a state of exasperation that not even the cold blue water, under which we still clawed at each other, could bring relief.

the foundation of my love for you has lost itself in my amnesic state of mind and drowning, droning, dripping from my right ear to the pavement. you always said that it would be us against the universe, but it all came crashing down with lies&torture, just like it always does, the two things that you're best at doing. the symphonic lifting of spirits has never failed to cross my mind on a once-daily basis, stemming from the nights of torment&heartache that you so deliberately put me through. was it all a test? did you need to feel what it would be like for a girl-child to love you so bad that you had to manipulate every aspect of my damaged little mind? love for me from you was distributed vicariously through text messages&cigarettesmoke°rading comments when you were "only kidding." i cannotcannotcannot get you outside of my head because i constantly think about the last time i saw you. it was one lie after another and i knew you were lying, but i always took you with a grain of salt. did you even care? did you want to know me at all? or did you have to have that one minute of pure bliss that happened the first day i kissed you, sitting on your lap, and a force overtook my soul and wanted you just then. and we waited, we sat&waited and wondered what it would be like if i were you and you were me&maybe, just maybe if we'd get married someday. i can't spend any more time talking about it, because all you seem to do anymore is make me sicksicksick.
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