and then we sat down around the tele to watch last comic standing...
it was a sad night for all of us.
chris porter of last comic standing, the beauty that had my vote, got eliminated last night...
ty wasn't even THAT funny, and i seriously thought that the final competition was going to come down to chris and josh.
let's take a minute to remember the beauty that is chris porter, and the intense comedy of his jokes.
ladies you can do whatever you want to with this planet... you wanna lower gas prices, that's up to you. you just gotta start having sex with guys who ride the bus. see, nobody rides the bus right now, right? right, why is that? because nobody will have sex with a bus rider, that's why. can't get laid ridin' the bus. you can't even get laid in a car that gets good gas mileage. no one's having sex with a guy in a cavalier. girls like suvs, hummers, escalades. if girls start having sex with guys who ride the bus, we'd all start ridin' the bus, if we're all ridin' the bus, we're all ridin' in one car, and if we're all ridin' in one car, we're usin' less gas. and by the rules of supply and demand, if we're usin' less, the price goes down. so ladies, next time you're at the pump payin' two dollars a gallon, remember: it's your fault. peace and love everybody, i'm chris porter.
what's up? i hate french people... not for anything they've done lately, i could care less about the politics that led up to... persian gulf II, the revenge... if you would go back seventy-five years, everytime france has had difficulty in a military conflict, who have they called to help them? united of world war II, vietnam, korea... not in chronological order, but if you didn't know the answer to the first question, i seriously doubt you know what chronological means. i went to france last year, and they hate us. well, if they don't like us, let's go take all the stuff that we protected back. let's go to france, be the repo man, take it over, call it "new texas." take the statue of liberty from where it stands, put it where the eiffel tower is with a sign underneath that says, "the bitch is back." then we'll take all the stupid people from our country and ship 'em over there. if you're on the highway-- peace and love... (his microphone got cut off because he went over the time limit, but you could still hear him say "peace and love...")
i used to smoke pot. crazy, right? pot's a lot safer than alcohol. you get in your car, you hit somebody, you kill 'em. you smoke to much weed... that's why you're not gettin' in your car. you know? that's production you don't wanna get involved in. because ya... gotta get up... then you gotta remember what the hell you got up for. what the hell were we just talkin' about? pot's the only drug i do... besides xanax and mushrooms. xanax is great if you've never had it. it's like a "reset" button. if you're havin' a bad day, take a xanax... next thing you know... IT'S TOMORROW! "what the hell happened yesterday?" "i don't know, apparently... i went to taco bell." i went to buy condoms today... because the other ones expired... about two years of bein' up i was very incorrect. there's so many different kinds of condoms now, it's ridiculous. there should only be two kinds: lubricated and non-lubricated. i don't even know who in the hell's buyin' a non-lubricated condom. it's like lockin' your brakes up on the freeway, you know? they got colours and scents now. what the hell are you smellin' a condom for, ladies? if we got a condom on, get your nose away from it. time is of the essence. my boy's suffocating. but ya'll start askin' questions ladies, "why's he all soft?" "well he ran outta air, miss talky! let's put a bag over your head and see how long you stay alert!" peace and love everybody, i'll see ya next time.
(in this set, he was roasting a fellow comedian-- gabriel iglesias... if you don't know what a comedy roast is, look it up.)
jim norton's a great guy, he actually lives in my neighbourhood. i know this because the judge made him come tell us. look, phyllis diller's here, and i couldn't be more excited... i've read all about you in the encyclopedia. if you don't know kristen key, you will. she's about to make a name for herself as the poor man's ellen degeneres. but back to paul rodriguez. we all know ya as the rock that chased indiana jones. but he does have his naysayer. some people think he's nothing but a fat, ugly, piece of shit. and while the truth may be on their side, they are not going to stop this man. he will survive... for at least another three years. he has the distinction of being the only comic visible from space. i think he's cute... but i'm into big tits. in all seriousness, gabriel... it's been a pleasure to meet you, you're a hero of mine, and it's a pleasure to call you my friend. thank you, buddy.
ya'll havin' a good time? we had a good night last night, we all went to the clubs. i saw some girl, she was wearing glitter all over her body. i didn't knwo what to think. i thought the bitch was frozen. "you should go outside, it's warm out there." apparently it's some kinda lotion that you put all over your body and it leaves glitter. that's gotta be a lotion for ladies... because fellas would look pretty squirrly with some glitter on 'em. plus, if my lotion had glitter in it... i'd have a disco ball in my shorts! chub in a flashlight and i'd be the life of the party. kids on ecstacy dancin' around it... i quit drinkin' last year... i'm back 'cause it's delicious. and i didn't quit drinkin' 'cause i had a problem with liquor, see... i quit drinkin' 'cause i wanted to quit smokin' cigarettes. for a long time i couldn't have a drink without smokin' a cigarette... that's hard. some of you know what i'm talkin' about. yeah. yeah, it's hard to drink and not smoke... if you don't know what it's like, it's like tryin' to poop and not pee, it's hard. i wish there was a cleaner way to explain that, but there's not, is there? that's the only proper comparison. 'cause you can smoke and not drink, just like you can pee and not poop. can drink and not smoke, can't poop and not pee... i don't know why. it's like sneezin' with your eyes open. there's some shit you can't do. don't ask me, ask jesus... or whoever your god may be. 'cause there's different ones. maybe not in the south, but... out here. i was raised catholic, and if you've never been to a catholic mass... i'll break it down for ya. it's an hour long... first half an hour just like everybody else's church... where they talk to ya and they sing to ya. "touchin' yourself... jesus doesn't love ya when you're touchin' yourself..." i'm paraphrasin', but that was the jist of it. and the second half an hour it's just... they have... food and sacred wine and... you know, it's really cool the first time, but after a while, you're kinda goin'... "hey, padre... what else can ya make? is there a lasagna or somethin'?" i quit goin' to church because one week, i showed up and no one would drink the wine because the flu was goin' around. where's the faith? it's the sacred wine, if i had the flu, i'd be bogartin' it... i'd be like, "screw you, bitches, i got the flu, gluck gluck gluck gluck!" it's the sacred wine, it's gonna cure the sniffles. i respect all religions, 'cause it doesn't matter what religion you are... we're all wrong. it's just about believing. that's why religion is there, you know? you gotta believe it. if you're gonna go to a building every sunday, you should believe what these people are tellin' ya. otherwise... you're just... missin' kickoff. the people that i respect the most are the religion down in texas where they dance around with rattlesnakes on top of their heads. those people are crazy. but they believe... ya got to... you got a RATTLESNAKE on your head! dancin' around with it, askin' it questions... "dear lord jesus, should i buy a honda? *fftth fftth fftth* no... no i shouldn't, no... oh, jeez... oh... zeke... zeke... go tell everybody jesus said, 'buy american.'" you guys have been a lot of fun, peace and love, see ya next time."
(and this was the set that determined whether or not he would make it into the finals.)
i was watchin' t.v. today... do ya know they got a birth control patch now? it's for girls. yeah, you couldn't have 'em for dudes... we'd be... wearin' 'em on our faces. "look baby, five of 'em! back up..." i saw the commercial for the girls, i was excited. i was like, "sweet! they're taggin' 'em now!" oh, thank goodness. now we know. that's the greatest invention ever, isn't it? the birth control patch? could you imagine fellas? you walk into a bar, you meet a girl, she comes back to your place, you're gettin' hot and heavy, you pull off her pants and she's got a birth control patch...? that's like gettin' batteries with your christmas toy! you can play with her right out of the box. but you should probably go ahead and use a condom though... you don't wanna get halfway through it and look down and notice that the patch says, "nicoderm." "you're a liar." i went to cosco today. yeah, if you don't know what cosco is, it's like sam's club but different... 'cause it's... cosco. cosco sells caskets. that's messed up. who's buyin' a casket at cosco, you know? what the hell did grandpa do to you? everyone shops at cosco, they're gonna know, they're gonna know. they're gonna know that you cheaped out and bought grandpa a "cosket." and it's cosco, you gotta buy 'em in a two pack... that's where they get ya. what are you gonna do with a second "cosket..." talk to kids with it? "clean your room you sunnuvabitch or it's back in the box with ya. don't mess with me or i'll close the lid on ya, i swear to god. i am NOT in the mood." the cosco i went to sold their caskets in the aisle directly across from the alcohol and tobacco products. what kind of messed up message is that?! be like, "hey, welcome to cosco. have a good time. if things happen badly... come on back, we've got ya covered, seriously. we got baby seats in the condom aisle. we're cosco... we're your worst case scenario one stop shop!" so i live in l.a. now... and uh, yeah, it's all right... yeah, we're here... you might as well clap. uh... traffic's bad here and a lot of people get pissed about it and like, it's a part of life, deal with it. people get mad in traffic. people still honk their horns in traffic. like that's the problem. like there's a thousand people on the highway goin', "oh, sorry, sorry! my bad... i was screwin' with my ipod." but you know what i noticed? it's always the crappy horns that you hear on the highway... everyone knows what a crappy horn sounds like. you'll be sittin' in your car, you'll hear "meep meep, i'm a festiva, there it is." what sound does a rolls royce horn make?.............. I DON'T KNOW EITHER! but that's the point! people that are honkin' their horn in traffic are people that have run out of options. they're like, "i got a crappy car, a crappy job, a crappy life, meep meep poop makers... meep meep." peace and love everybody, i'll see ya next time.
isn't he fucking hilarious? go to http://www.youtube.com to see chris porter's videos, and he has a myspace, too. it can be found here..
chris, you had our vote, peace and love always...